F/X A BRASS BAND PLAYS A VERY SHORT ‘ON ILKLA MOOR BAHT’ ‘AT’
SCENE. ETX. TWO LATE FIFTY SOMETHING NEIGHBOURS TALKING OVER THE
GARDEN FENCE
JUNE: eeee what about those statues, Val.
VAL: What about our husbands, June.
JUNE: (Giggles) You are funny, Val.
VAL: I’ve got a statue in doors.
JUNE: You have?
VAL: Oh yeah, I’ve got a lard arse.
JUNE: ooooh Lord House. I’ve never heard of him before, is he victorian?
VAL: Oh yeah, sort of. It’s my Trev the lard arse as I call him.
JUNE: (Giggles) Oh I see, you are funny, Val. My Ted’s just the same. Do ya know he’s not moved since he’s been on this furlough. The Government’s got a lot t’ answer to.
VAL: Don’t mention furlough to me, be glad when lard arses goes back to work, bloody virus.
JUNE: Pulling them down and rolling them over, they are, Val.
VAL: Chance ‘ill be a fine thing.
JUNE: And they want to get their hands on Nelson’s column.
VAL; Lucky Nelson.
JUNE: (Giggles) eeee ya funny, Val.
VAL: You have t’ have a sense of humour living with Trev. Does tha know he’s the only statue that shits on a bird.
JUNE: (Giggles) ooooh don’t Val, you’ll be making me wat-ter the lawn, ya know how weak I am down below. (More giggles)
VAL: Well it’s true, June. Only job he’s done this furlough is dismantle the drinks cabinet.
JUNE: So has my Ted and watch Netflix.
VAL: Talking of Netflix, nosey cow next-door keeps spying on me from her bedroom window.
JUNE: Probably seeing what thas got on ya washing line, ya know, latest fashion like.
VAL: Well, she’s out of luck there then isn’t she. The way lard arse keeps me I may as well hang bin liners on mi line.
TREV: ( SHOUTING FROM THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM WINDO)
vaaaAAAAAAL.
VAL: Oh here we go,
TREV: Gerrus some bog roll, someones not put a new one back.
JUNE: (giggles)
VAL: Oh I wonder who?
JUNE: Well, I’ll let you get off to see to your Trev, Val, lovely to catch up with ya.
VAL: Hi lass, si thee later.
TREV: VaaaAAAAAAL.
VAL: I’M COMING KEEP YA FRIGGIN HAIR ON.
F/X A BRASS BAND PLAYS A VERY SHORT ‘ON ILKLA MOOR BAHT’ ‘AT’
