A comedy play for radio
PALACE OF WESTMINSTER LONDON 1296
KING EDWARD 1 WIFE QUEEN MARGARET WALKING TO HER FRONT DOOR
QUEEN: Alright, alright, hold your horses I’m coming.
F/X: FOUR BOLTS SLIDE OPEN AND THE DOOR CREAKS OPEN. MUSIC IS BEING PLAYED LOUD. QUEEN MARGARET SEES A DELIVERY MAN AND A HORSE AND CART)
MAN: Delivery, your Majesty.
MAN: Delivery, your majesty.
QUEEN: Just one moment whilst I turn this music off.
F/X: A KNOCK ON THE HEAD AND MUSIC FADING OUT AND A MUSICIAN HITTING THE GROUND
QUEEN: What is it you want?
MAN: Amazon prime next month delivery your majesty.
(LOOKS DOWN AT HIS SCROLL)
Erm, for King Edward the first
QUEEN: Are you sure and it’s not for next-door King Edward the second?
MAN: No your majesty, definitely for King Edward the First.
QUEEN: Oh, what has he pillaged now. Just look at it it’s all battered?
MAN: No, not that your majesty that’s my Mars bar! It’s this
( MAN POINTS TO THE GROUND )
It’s the Stone of Scone. A throne once used by Scottish Monarchs to sit on.
QUEEN: Why there’s no hole in it?
MAN: No, no, your majesty, I said sit on.
QUEEN: Oh look at it, look at the terrible craftsmanship, no wonder the Scots have to bring workers in from abroad. They had to bring in Roman brickies for their big wall and their castles. Do you know how my Eddie invaded Scotland?
MAN: No your majesty, how did his majesty invade Scotland?
QUEEN: He marched through the wall and castle’s souvenir shop. Here is one of their keyrings.
(SHE HOLDS UP A BIG KEY WITH A HUGE KEYRING WITH THE WORDS WELCOME TO BONNY SCOTLAND)
Anyway. We’ve already got a ghastly band of Scots in the palace singing and making a hell of a racket all day long.
MAN: Bagpipes, your majesty
QUEEN: No, they’re being tortured in the dungeon
MAN: It is made of Red sandstone
QUEEN: Sitting on that one will get a Frankie on the bottom
MAN: A Frankie your majesty?
QUEEN: Yes a boil. A Frankie Boyle
MAN: Oh, I see (LAUGHS)
QUEEN: I wish Eddie would leave the Scots alone. Only last month he enslaved two highlanders and the next thing they were singing in the Abbey and they had us all stomping around singing “I walk five hundred miles.”
MAN: Oh yeah your majesty I remember delivering the two brothers. The Proclaimers if my memory serves me right. All the way down the A1 they were singing ‘Da da da (da da da) Da da da dun diddle un diddle un diddle uh da.’ Got on my nerves they did and my horse. I wonder what ever happened to them?
QUEEN: Their last gig was at The Bloody Tower
MAN: (LAUGHS) Where shall I put it your majesty?
QUEEN: Oh go and put it under the wooden throne next to the banana boots where it will be out of sight for the next seven hundred years
MAN: The banana boots your majesty?
QUEEN: Yes, the ones that once belonged to Bravefart, Billy Connolly
F/X: TWELTH CENTURY MUSIC OF ' I'M GONNA BE (500 MILES) PLAYS OUT