INT. A small office in a hospital. A local newspaper reporter interviews a doctor
REPORTER: Doctor ? how bad is the Side Splitting virus?
DOCTOR: It’s really bad
REPORTER: (Pointing to a black line rising on a chart on the wall) Is that the increase in cases
DOCTOR: No, that’s the rise in hospital carpark charges
REPORTER: We have the government telling the country that anyone can get the virus
DOCTOR: There’s the problem?
REPORTER: (Surprised) The problem, Doctor ?
DOCTOR: Yes, every time the Prime Minister Boris Johnson and the Health Secretary Matt Hancock speak at a press conference the Side Splitting cases go up dramatically
REPORTER: For those unfortunate to get this virus, what are the symptoms, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Hysterical laughter I’m afraid.
REPORTER: (Shocked) Hysterical laughter?
DOCTOR: That’s right, it is where the ears receive a press statement from the Prime Minister and the Health Secretary. Those statements attack the body’s ‘You’re Fcuking Joking Bone’ which then causes the body to fall into a fit of laughter. They arrive at the hospital
clutching their sides, a clear sign they’ve got the Side Splitting virus
clutching their sides, a clear sign they’ve got the Side Splitting virus
REPORTER: This week Doctor, there was a spike in hospital admissions
DOCTOR: (Sighs) There was. That was due to the Prime Minister telling the nation from ‘Live At The Commons’. ’Tis the season to be jolly careful’ which caused the NHS hospitals to be over stretched.
REPORTER: Over stretched, doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes over stretched. All our Side Splitting Wards are full and we are now having to open the emergency wards
REPORTER: (Puzzled) The emergency wards, doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes, the corridors.
REPORTER: (Chuckles) Oh I see
DOCTOR: We are building an Emergency hospital called The Han-cock-ups Hospital which will have five hundred corridors of which will hold two thousand beds
REPORTER: (Bursts out laughing)
HA HA Han-cock-ups hospital HA HA
HA HA Han-cock-ups hospital HA HA
DOCTOR: Until it is built, we are pleading with the public to stop listening to the Prime Minister and the Health Secretary and follow our guide lines of Hands, Ear Muffs, Turn the Telly off
REPORTER: (Drops his pen and notepad) HA HA HAR Hands, Ear Muffs,
Turn the Telly off, I love it
Turn the Telly off, I love it
DOCTOR: We are hoping to rollout a vaccine before Christmas to vaccinate the whole government
REPORTER: (Doubles up)
HA HA HAR STOP, it hurts, no don’t, ooooow mi sides HA HA
HA HA HAR STOP, it hurts, no don’t, ooooow mi sides HA HA
DOCTOR: It is the Laughing Stock vaccine. It is going through trials with the
Scottish and Welsh governments
Scottish and Welsh governments
REPORTER: HA HA Oh my God, mi sides are hurting HA HA Har
(Falls to floor and rolls about clutching his sides laughing hysterically)
(Falls to floor and rolls about clutching his sides laughing hysterically)
DOCTOR: (Concerned) Oh, not another one
(Runs out of the door)
(Runs out of the door)
FX: HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER IN THE CORRIDOR
DOCTOR: (Shouts). Nurse, nurse, get a trolley and a corridor we have another case
