SCENE ONE: INT: A SMALL CAFE IN ROTHERHAM. DAY
A BIG BUXOM WOMAN WEARING AN APRON SHOVES FOUR
UNIFORMED MEN WITH G4S BADGES ON THEIR SHIRTS OUT OF
MARG: Go on be off wiv ya I’ve enough on mi plate wiv G three in here.
F/X FOOD COOKING
MARG THEN RETURNS BEHIND THE COUNTER.
THREE WORLD LEADERS ARE HAVING THEIR BIG G3 CONFERENCE
AT A TABLE.
PUTIN: You do know him then?
JINPING: The world’s second best economic super power wants to nuke China and end the world?
TRUMP: Hey guys com’ on stop this buffalo shit. You know you commies are surounding
God’s greatest country the United States of America with your armies.
PUTIN: How about ending the world this November?
TRUMP: Nope, not going to happen.
TRUMP: The Presidential elections are on.
PUTIN: Biden’s not going to win!
TRUMP: Gi thanks Putin, I’ve put your money in your offshore account!
MARG: (ROLLS HER EYES)
Bent as a ten bob note.
PUTIN: December then?
JINPING: No, can’t do December.
TRUMP: Why not Ping Pong?
JINPING: It’s Christmas and China gives toys to all the children of America.
TRUMP: No you don’t that’s done by Father Christmas!
PUTIN: Ha, you fool.
TRUMP: America has the best intelligence in the world-
MARG: Ha, there’s more intelligence in this bread cake if you ask me?
TRUMP: The C I A briefed me on how Father Christmas gives our children capitalists
toys. Anyway guys, I can’t end the world because my shiny red button with
Christmas decorations all over it.
PUTIN: Yes, we have a video of it when you visited Russia
MARG: Aye, he’s one big hairy arse hole if ya ask me.
TRUMP: New year’s eve, guys. Let’s begin the new year with a big bang.
MARG: OI, ORANGE ORANGUTAN, BREAK MY MUGS AND YOU’LL B’ GOING
ART THAT DOOR WIV A BANG ON THE END MY FOOT.
PUTIN: Niet, I’ve a photo shoot in Siberia. You know how it is comrades, half naked on
a horse and all that.
JINPING: No, I can’t blow the world up too. I’ve been invited to Kim Jong-un’s North
Koean fireworks display. You know, the one where they fire their big rockets
TRUMP: Well, January’s off the table, it’s too cold for my little hand to push the button.
PUTIN: Niet, it’s the global warming conference and comrade Greta Thunberg will be speaking.
TRUMP: Those God damn commies wanting to save the planet.
JINPING: Let’s leave it for awhile. Let’s wait for a better time to end the world.
MARG: Well, neck sure ya pay before you decide to vaporise my cafe.
JINPING: Here, Mr President.
(HANDS OVER A MOBILE PHONE)
Give me a call when you decide to nuke China.
TRUMP: (EXAMINES PHONE IN HIS TINY HANDS.)
Gi Chinky Boy, nice bad boy?
TRUMP: (STARES AT JINPING.)
Don’t ya know who we are?
MARG: Gordon Bennett, thick has pig shit he is.
JINPING : Huawei. The best phones in the world! If you give me a call before you press
your red button I’ll reply before you know it.
PUTIN: Quick as a flash!
TRUMP: I certainly will, Yellow Man. Marg, another three mugs of tea and put it on