SCENE ONE. A MAINTENANCE CONTROL ROOM AT A SEASIDE HOLIDAY
CAMP IN THE EARLY 1990s
YORKIE: STUMBLES THROUGH THE DOOR EXPLOSIVELY CLUTCHING HIS
SIDES LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY
ALF: What’s tickled you Yorkie?
YORKIE: I can’t tell thee Alf, give me a minute.
MORE HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER
Alf: Well, I’m sure it will be worth waiting for looking at the state you’re in.
YORKIE: Oh it is.
ALF: Sit down Yorkie lad and I’ll put the kettle on before you have a heart attack.
YORKIE: FALLS INTO HIS RECLINING CHAIR NEARLY TOPPLING OVER AND
STILL WITHERING IN COMEDY AGONY
F/X KETTLE BOILING AND SPOON STIRRING TEA
ALF: ROLLS HIS EYES
Don’t you just love it working at the Funny Farm.
WALKS OVER TO YORKIE AND HANDS HIM HIS CUP OF TEA THEN
CHANGES HIS MIND AND PLACES IT ON THE DESK
YORKIE: It’s Tommy the Fireman.
ALF: What’s he done now?
YORKIE: PAUSES TO WAIT FOR AN OPENING FROM A LAUGHTER BOMB
LIT AND FUSED IN HIS STOMACH
The alarm was raised for there was a chalet on fire. Well tha knows what Tommy’s like?
ALF: Aye, Tommy, thinks he’s a proper fireman.
YORKIE: RETRIEVES HIS CUP FROM THE DESK
He dropped his garden duties and ran full pelt to fire station, jumped in the
Green Goddess and drove off at full speed.
TAKES A SIP OF TEA
ALF: Well what’ s wrong with that is he not suppose to do that?
YORKIE: Not without the rest of the crew!
BLASTS A SPRAY OF TEA ALL OVER THE DESK AND LAUGHS
When the rest of the crew arrived he had sped off.
ALF: LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY TOO
What happened next?
YORKIE: Well the four of them had to chase after the Green Goddess.
ALF: Through the camp?
YORKIE: Yeah, like the Keystone Kops
BOTH NOW FALLING OVER CLUTCHING THEIR SIDES. TWO
VOLCANOES ERUPTING WITH LAUGHTER
YORKIE: Yeah, Freddie the Fish was riding his bike to start his shift and Tommy nearly hit
him and Freddie ended up in the duck pond
ANOTHER EXPLOSIVE LAUGH
Oh my God, my sides are killing me.
ALF: No, don’t Yorkie, I can’t hear no more, it hurts.
YORKIE: FIGHTS FOR BREATH
The Green Goddess drove full speed through the camp, Tommy ringing the bell
and the campers running out of his way, bloody hilarious.
BOTH KNUCKLING TEARS OUT OF THEIR EYES
YORKIE: And get this Alf-
ALF: No stop I can’t take no more I’m wetting myself here.
YORKIE: Tommy lost control and sped into Tucker’s mobile Beach Ball stall, demolishing it.
The stall landed on its back and Tucker crawled out of it like it was a coffin. He
was walking about in a daze shouting “My balls, my balls, look at them they’re all
over the place.”
MORE BELLY LAUGHS
ALF: What happened to Tommy?
YORKIE: He got to the chalet and realised there was no crew, so he tried to tackle the fire
himself. The rest of the crew arrived a minute or two later . They were so
knackered they laid on the grass t’ catch their breaths.
Alf : Oh my god my sides are killin’ me
Yorkie: The real Fire brigade finally arrived to take over. Even they where laughing at
the knackered crew.
BOTH LAUGHING UNTIL THEIR LAUGHTER TANKS RUN DRY, THEN
THEY RETURN TO THEIR DUTIES AT THEIR DESK
F/X OFFICE SOUNDS. DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
MAINTENANCE BOSS ENTERS PUFFING ON A PIPE.
BOSS: I don’t understand it, it beats me?
ALF: What’s that, boss?
Boss: POINTS THE PIPE OVER HIS SHOULDER TO THE DOOR
I’ve received five hundred complaints at reception from irate campers mainly
from parents because their kids were upset they had missed the Fire brigade
and the clowns show.
BOTH YORKIE AND ALF FALL ABOUT LAUGHING AGAIN
BOSS : SPREADS OUT HANDS