SCENE ONE. A MAINTENANCE CONTROL ROOM AT A SEASIDE HOLIDAY
                    CAMP IN THE EARLY 1990s
YORKIE:      STUMBLES THROUGH THE DOOR EXPLOSIVELY CLUTCHING HIS
                      SIDES LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY
ALF:             What’s tickled you Yorkie?
YORKIE:      I can’t tell thee Alf, give me a minute.
                      MORE HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER
Alf:               Well, I’m sure it will be worth waiting for looking at the state you’re in.
YORKIE:      Oh it is.
ALF:             Sit down Yorkie lad and I’ll put the kettle on before you have a heart attack.
YORKIE:     FALLS INTO HIS RECLINING CHAIR NEARLY TOPPLING OVER AND
                     STILL  WITHERING IN COMEDY AGONY
F/X               KETTLE BOILING AND SPOON STIRRING TEA
ALF:            ROLLS HIS EYES
                     Don’t you just love it working at the Funny Farm.
                     WALKS OVER TO YORKIE AND HANDS HIM HIS CUP OF TEA THEN
                     CHANGES HIS MIND AND PLACES IT ON THE DESK
YORKIE:     It’s Tommy the Fireman.
ALF:            What’s he done now?
YORKIE:     PAUSES TO WAIT FOR AN OPENING FROM A LAUGHTER BOMB
                     LIT AND FUSED IN HIS STOMACH
                     The alarm was raised for there was a chalet on fire. Well tha knows what Tommy’s like?
ALF:            Aye, Tommy, thinks he’s a proper fireman.
YORKIE:     RETRIEVES HIS CUP FROM THE DESK
                     He dropped his garden duties and ran full pelt to fire station, jumped in the
                     Green Goddess and drove off at full speed.
                     TAKES A SIP OF TEA
ALF:            Well what’ s wrong with that is he not suppose to do that?
YORKIE:    Not without the rest of the crew!
                    BLASTS A SPRAY OF TEA ALL OVER THE DESK AND LAUGHS
                    HYSTERICALLY              
                    When the rest of the crew arrived he had sped off.
ALF:            LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY TOO
                    What happened next?
YORKIE:    Well the four of them had to chase after the Green Goddess.
ALF:           Through the camp?
YORKIE:    Yeah, like the Keystone Kops
                    BOTH NOW FALLING OVER CLUTCHING THEIR SIDES. TWO
                    VOLCANOES ERUPTING WITH LAUGHTER
YORKIE:    Yeah, Freddie the Fish was riding his bike to start his shift and Tommy nearly hit
                     him and Freddie ended up in the duck pond
                     ANOTHER EXPLOSIVE LAUGH
                     Oh my God, my sides are killing me.
ALF:            No, don’t Yorkie, I can’t hear no more, it hurts.
YORKIE:     FIGHTS FOR BREATH
                     The Green Goddess drove full speed through the camp, Tommy ringing the bell
                     and the campers running out of his way, bloody hilarious.
                     BOTH KNUCKLING TEARS OUT OF THEIR EYES
YORKIE:     And get this Alf-
ALF:            No stop I can’t take no more I’m wetting myself here.
YORKIE:    Tommy lost control and sped into Tucker’s mobile Beach Ball stall, demolishing it.
                     The stall landed on its back and Tucker crawled out of it like it was a coffin. He
                     was walking about in a daze shouting “My balls, my balls, look at them they’re all
                     over the place.”
                     MORE BELLY LAUGHS
ALF:             What happened to Tommy?
YORKIE:     He got to the chalet and realised there was no crew, so he tried to tackle the fire
                     himself. The rest of the crew arrived a minute or two later . They were so
                     knackered they laid on the grass t’ catch their breaths.
Alf :             Oh my god my sides are killin’ me
Yorkie:         The real Fire brigade finally arrived to take over. Even they where laughing at
                     the knackered crew.
                     BOTH LAUGHING UNTIL THEIR LAUGHTER TANKS RUN DRY, THEN
                     THEY RETURN TO THEIR DUTIES AT THEIR DESK
F/X              OFFICE SOUNDS. DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
                     MAINTENANCE BOSS ENTERS PUFFING ON A PIPE.
BOSS:           I don’t understand it, it beats me?
ALF:             What’s that, boss?
Boss:             POINTS THE PIPE OVER HIS SHOULDER TO THE DOOR
                      I’ve received five hundred complaints at reception from irate campers mainly
                     from parents because their kids were upset they had missed the Fire brigade
                     and the clowns show.
                     BOTH YORKIE AND ALF FALL ABOUT LAUGHING AGAIN
BOSS :         SPREADS OUT HANDS
                     What?

You may also like

Back to Top