THE DAY OF THE DAFFIDS

PRIME MINISTER: So, yes, well, erm, it’s with great regret my government and your government are cancelling Mothers Day. Have a jolly mother by keeping her out of the garden until we get the poison we desperately need and remember we must keep our  vases empty.

JEREMY WHINE: That was a stark message to the nation from the Prime Minister Boris Johnson about the escalating crisis of the DAFFID-21 virus. 

Good evening, I’m Jeremy Whine and you are listening to the seven o’clock news here on Radio Universe.

Two hours ago at a special press briefing the Prime Minister warned the nation about the spread of Daffodils. They are flowering everywhere, in gardens, houses and even on grass verges. Their bright colours are causing blindness and the government chief scientists are urging the public to wear sunglasses even when they go to bed.
Health secretary Matt Hancock said the government are doing everything within their power to get this under control. This is what the Health Secretary had to say at this evening’s press briefing.

MATT HANCOCK: We are doing everything we can to give our Tory party donors the money to fight the war against the Daffodils. We urge everyone to protect themselves and their love ones by protecting their eyes. This government is in contact with our Florida go between and we have given him one and half billion pounds for 100 pairs of sunglasses and has I speak they are being shipped to England on one of our former Transport secretary Chris Grayling’s Brexit ferry.

JEREMY WHINE: There are many questions being asked about DAFFID-21 which has left the
government needing answers. The government therefore turned to Professor Neil Ferguson a professor of mathematical biology. Ferguson 53 had made a model projection on the back of a fag packet and pinpointed the outbreak from a garden in Rotherham, South Yorkshire. We now go live to Rotherham and to our reporter, Kate Barley.

KATE BARLEY: Thank you Jeremy. (Excited) I’m reporting from ground zero and I am only two hundred yards from the garden of sixty two Bell End here in Rotherham. The police have cordoned off the area and all the houses in the vicinity have now been evacuated. I don’t know if you can hear the police sirens Jeremy. . . can you hear that?

JEREMY WHINE: No we can’t Kate, what is it, are you at a party?

KATE BARLEY: Hold on I’ll try and hold my microphone closer . . .

There, can you hear it now?
WOW! Jeremy, It’s a helicopter. Exciting really. Anyway, we’ve received a statement from South Yorkshire police saying that the owner of the garden Mr Gary Horsesheet has been arrested and taken into custody for further questioning. From where I’m standing you can’t actually see the Daffodils due to the bright light they are emitting and Mr Horsesheet’s house is radiating a bright yellow glow. It is so bright I’m having to protect my eyes with welding goggles. There are now fears more Daffodils have already spread to neighbouring gardens and the police are urging people to stay indoors.
This is Kate Barley for the seven o’clock news at the Bell End

JEREMY WHINE: Professor Ferguson’s fag packet modelling of the pandemic has predicted millions of people will have their eyesight irreversibly damaged which has prompted the government to take immediate action.

The Prime Minister Boris Johnson has now put the whole country into lockdown. This is what the Health Secretary had to say.

MATT HANCOCK: We are searching for a poison and we are hoping a Boxford/AstraVecta poison will be rolled out soon, but more tests are needed to make sure they are safe. I am told they are working flat out to help us in our hour of need so we can once again hug and enjoy our gardens. As from today, all grass verges, waste grounds and railway side bankings will now be tested. We can’t stress this enough that if your garden has any symptoms for the virus you must get it tested immediately.

JEREMY WHINE: Breaking News just in ….)
Reports are coming in there are Daffodils on the bankings of the M1 near Bolsover, Derbyshire. There is now a twenty mile tailback in both directions. News has just come in that the Derbyshire Police commissioner has said if the police can’t keep the motorway open it will be his Bolsover the castle.
Meanwhile the government’s chief scientific advisor Chris Whitty had this to say at the press briefing

CHRIS WHITTY: If I can show you the next slide? (Pause) As you can see the graph shows you when the Daffodils started flowering, which was by the end of February and the data shows today the virus has multiplied ten fold. Our data shows the Daffodils will flower exponentially to Christmas. So we must all protect our eyes until a poison is available to us all.

JEREMY WHINE: The virus has also reached Ireland. Irish Prime Minister Micheal Martin has put Ireland into Lockdown plus a firebreak and banned all Taffys, but 24 hours later he had to do a U turn when it was pointed out to him that it was the Daffys and not the Taffys. In retaliation Wales has cancelled all trade with Ireland.
Over in Scotland first minister Nicola Sturgeon has closed the Scottish border and this is what she had to say at her emergency press briefing.

NICOLA STURGEON.: These are worrying times for Scotland, not only for myself, but for the wee Scottish Thistle. The Thistle is the true symbol of Scotland after myself of course.
So it’s with regret I must protect it at all costs and to prevent the English Daffodils invading Scotland and exterminating our country’s national symbol.
So today, I have made the decision to close the border with England and because Scotland leads the world we will go one better than the English, a one upmanship if you like and that is not only will Mothers Day cease to go ahead, but Fathers Day also.

JEREMY WHINE: Nicola Sturgeon there.

(Pause to build up tension) The cabinet and scientific advisors attended a Cobra meeting this morning and the Prime Minister had this to say.

BORIS JOHNSON: I’ve seen the predictions from the Proff and I can tell you it doesn’t look spiffing. So we all must keep up a stiff upper lip because that’s what we Brits do, erm not the piffing Scots of course. Therefore, this government, a Tory government, that’s us, we are setting up two emergency hospitals one here in London of course and one in the North, where ever that may be?. They will be known has the Stevie Wonder and the Ray Charles hospitals after those, erm, yes, you know, those erm wonderful English nurses from the eighteen hundreds.

JEREMY WHINE: Stirring words indeed from the Prime Minister.
The spread of the Daffodils has seriously effected the economy.
The Chancellor of the exchequer Rishi Sunak has introduced a furlough system to protect jobs and has pumped billions of pounds into the economy. Not everyone was happy though. We sent our reporter Julia Hartley Brewery to a bakery shop in Rotherham and she spoke to the owner Mrs Appletart. We must warn you there are flashing words in this interview.

BREWERY: Mrs Appletart, you say you are not happy that your shop has been ordered to close.

MRS APPLETART: (Angry) No I’m not. We are a bakery shop, so can someone explain to those thick twats in government the difference between flower and flour. It’s disgusting what they are doing to us small independent bakers, we are goin t’ wall.

BREWERY: So you don’t believe the Prime Minister is doing a good job throughout this pandemic?

MRS APPLETART: Is he heckers like. In fact I’m sure I speak for all the bakery shops up and down country that if he was ever to set foot in my shop he would get a french stick up his fat arse.

JEREMY WHINE: (Silence). . .Erm. . .we seem to have lost Julie Hartley Brewery there.
So, that brings us to the end of this news programme. I’m sure you will agree it’s been quite an eventful day the likes we’ve never experienced before.
I’m Jeremy Whine and you’ve been listening to the seven o’clock news here on the fabulous Radio Universe. Have a good evening.