INT. An old Victorian building in Rotherham. Office. Day. A journalist from the Rotherham Advertiser interviews the boss of The Joke Works.
Rose: (Looking around) Oh! It’s not what I thought it would be?
Paul: Visitors don’t I’m afraid
Rose: They don’t?
Paul: Security. Visitors and customers are not allowed anywhere near our joke writers for obvious reasons. Can you sign our visitors book please
The journalist writes her name in the guest book over looked by Paul
Paul: Ha, Rose Peanut. RP and not KP?. ( Laughs at his own joke)
Rose: You’re years behind with that joke Mr . . . erm
Paul: Oh sorry, Paul (Pauses pushes out his hand) Paul Scratchings
Rose: (Chuckles, shakes his hand)
Paul: Oh we will have a Rose Peanut in the funny names files along with my own name of course. Probably gathering dust in our archives
Rose: Archives?
Paul: Oh yeah, down in the vaults. We save every joke for every occasion, sometimes they can be used over and over again.
Rose: Do you have your writers writing fresh jokes?
Paul: We certainly do and that’s how we make money by writing fresh clean jokes for comedians.
(Eyes roll) Unless they are for Frankie Boyle of course. Erm. . .Do you like a good gag, Rose?
Rose: Well, all depends how long it is (blushes)
Paul: Ha Ha I like it. ( Writes joke on a sheet of paper, )
We’ll sell that one to Alan Carr. ( Walks over to a side door and knocks)
Woman’s voice: Who’s there?
Paul: Moo
Woman’s voice: Moo who?
Paul: It’s me you silly cow
F/X Door creaks open. High heels footsteps on a wooden floor
Paul: Miss Beryl O’ Laughs, can you send this down to the storage department
Beryl: (Snatches the paper) Oh you are awful, but I like ya ( Pushes Paul who stumbles backwards and crashes behind his desk.)
F/X Footsteps swiftly walking away and the door slams shut
Rose: (Giggling and trying to contain herself she looks up from her notebook)
Has The Joke Works got a wide selection of jokes for sale?
Paul: (Pulling himself up and sweeping back his hair) Indeed. The Joke Works has been a World leader in joke writing ever since Queen Victory was on the throne and Prince Albert was desperate to go on it too (Guffaws at his own joke)
We are the world leaders for Puns, one liners and observation gags.
Puns are our cheapest, ten a penny they are. One liners are still our best sellers and our observation jokes are a close second. Every joke is checked and rechecked before it leaves the works. We look for imperfections to make sure the jokes have no racist elements.
Rose: That’s good.
Paul: The Joke Works had to move with the times. We had to leave the nineteen seventies behind what with the likes of Bernard Manning, Frank Carson and all the others on The Comedians. The Joke Works would have gone bust had we not change direction. So in came the new, with the likes of Lenny Henry, Russ Abbott, Dustin Gee and Les DenNis . . .
Rose: Les DenNis?
Paul: Oh yeah he’s still on our books to this day. We are still writing Mavis jokes for him.
Rose: Do The Joke Works ever hit any problems
Paul: Oh certainly, we do have the occasional joke hitting the fan. A sort of production malfunction.
Rose: (intrigued) Could you give our readers an example?
Paul: Well, only last year a Chubby Brown joke happened to slip into our Christmas Crackers. Ten thousand had to be recalled.
Rose: (Shocked) Ten Thousand?
Paul: Aye, the terrible thought of having a little old granny at a family Christmas dinner reading out “You Fat Bastard, You Fat Bastard.”
Doesn’t bare thinking about and the lawsuits too.
Rose: (Giggling) So, the cost of the joke, how does that work out?
Paul: Every gag is marked up according to the laughter it produces. We have professional joke tasters who sit in booths and are fed with jokes and they give scores out of ten for each joke. The jokes are priced to what
score they have received. Simple when you think about it. It’s a tried and tested method for over one hundred years.
Rose: Is The Joke Works making a profit?
Paul: At the moment, Yes. We do have jokes for a rainy day. You know, when someone famous kicks the bucket and our vans are racing out of the gates to reach our comedians up and down the country so they can tell their audiences before the joke gets out on the internet.
Rose: And the future, Mr Scratchings?
Paul: Who knows the future, Miss Peanut? We do have competition from abroad.
Rose: (Raises eyebrow) Abroad?
Paul: Oh yeah, cheap imports from the far east and fakes.
Rose: Fakes?
Paul: Annoyingly yes. From China. Very good copies actually.
Rose: How can you tell if it’s a fake?
Paul: It is usually one word that gives it away, like it will say iriot instead of Idiot.
Both chuckle
Paul: Cheap jokes are being written by children in sweat joke shops in Bangladesh and India.Those poor children are only earning a few rupees a hour, fourteen hours a day and their jokes end up on Lord Sugar’s Apprentice programme. Cruel when you think about it.
Rose: Oh, how terrible
Paul: Sadly we don’t have enough joke coast guards to stop speed boats from crossing the English Channel under the cover of darkness. There aren’t enough joke police to prevent them reaching Open Mic shows thus destroying a fledgling comic’s career.
Rose: Oh dear, the dreadful thought of our comedians not being funny no more
Paul: Exactly. Only last week a contraband of fake jokes were intercepted at the Live at the Apollo. Luckily they were seized and it saved Tim vine from dying on the stage.
Rose: Thank you Mr Scratchings for this interview and giving our readers an insight into how The Jokes Works makes us all laugh
Paul: It’s my pleasure Miss Rose Peanut. Ha Ha I’m sure we’ve got your name stored in our archives
Rose: You are awful . . . but I like ya ( She hits him with her hand bag sending him crashing into his desk and she leaves the office laughing)

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